Maybe Ill Write a Book

I think i want to write a book. I'm not sure about what yet... but ill be sitting in class or chapel, or driving down the road, or out an about running... random things like that... and i'll have sudden ideas of things to write about. Things about God, suffering, beauty, peace, joy, sin, love... and how those things play out in the rawness of life-- every moment of it.
Not that i have time to write a book... but maybe ill start a journal with all my ideas...
Well... small thought... it's late!

WWWWOOOOOWWWW.

Today, again, i was reminded just how small i am. I took my roommates to Griffith Park
today... up to the Observatory... and it was amazing. There's something about being up there that i'm falling in love with. When i stand up there looking out at how big everything is... and then realize that this is but a tiny chunk of God's grand creation... i am reminded just how small i am. How small i am, and how wonderfully big God is. Last week when i went up there for the first time i told my friend that i wanted to wonder at the work of God's hand, and being up there gave me that wonder. Today as i was sitting up there on the roof, looking east up at the snow capped mountains... a little kid pulled himself up onto the ledge to see and with all the wonder in the heart of a 4 year old yelled "WWWWOOOOWWW". That brother yelled with everything he had what was stuck in the composure of my heart. I thought that same thing... but the wonder of a kid made it known to the world just how cool it was to look out at something sooo sweet! I want that kind of wonder. That i could look out and with everything i got tell God just how spectacular it really is! You know... not even to do such only standing on the mountain top, but in the everyday moments that God shows up!
There's something powerful about realizing how small i am. It reminds me that i am but a small part in the story of God's HUGE redemptive plan.... and how my God wants to ravish me with his love. That i play a part in his story, a small one, but a mighty one.
I also realize how small the trials of my life really are. When you look out at millions of people, in such a hurting city, you realize that the things you're dealing with are small in the grand scheme of things. But even so... God has every detail of my life, and the lives of millions other under control. He knows the pains, ailments, trials, temptations, and worries of every one of us and it hurts him to see it all. God is mighty... and nothing in this world could get in the way of him pouring out His love on us!
Being up there was wonderful. The wonder i have in the enormousness of God... it's life breathing.
"In all these things we are more than conquers through him who loved us. For i am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor power, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Cor. 4:7-12

Scared Part 2.

So... i still don't know. I won't know more until March 3ish. Which is good because as of now it isn't pressing, but still who knows what i'll found out then. So if you think about it... pray that God would heal if there is anything that needs healing and two pray that my mind would refrain from wandering... right now it's all over the place!
I know that God is good... and that his power is made perfect in my weakness. So in the weakness of my flesh i stand... and God is showing up with grace sufficient enough for me.

Scared.

Sometimes not knowing feels a whole lot safer than knowing. You know what i mean. Like there's familiarity and safety in not knowing but also something horribly terrifying in finding out. But at the same time, there's that constant uneasiness in the pit of your stomach because all you want to do is know what's going on.
Oh, my head is all over the board right now.

I gottch you girl...

So my power adapter to my computer made a sizzling noise last night... and then smelt of burning computer. Not good. And then the battery in my computer died like 2 minutes later. Also not good. Especially because i was right in the middle of Step Up... no bueno.
So... today i went to the Apple Store to first see if my computer was still alive and secondly to buy another power cord. I knew that the power cord would be pricey, and who knows how much it was going to cost to fix my computer if it actually fried the sucka. So i went, praying that God would provide... praying for a quick, smooth, cheap trip to the Brea Mall.
The kind man at the Genius Bar agreed that the sizzling sound coming from my computer wasn't a good one and that i definately needed a new power cord. Well while i was waiting for my appointment i checked out the price of that sucka and it was 79 stinkin bucks! I already knew that i couldn't afford that. So when he handed me the power cord, i was about to tell him that i'd have to find another option because i didn't have the money for that.
Well... no need for that because the kind man just gave it to me. Yes that's right, he gave me, free of charge, a 79$ power cord. I was amazed... but you know the Lord takes care of me. Even in the small things of providing a stinkin' power cord. No need to worry... my Dad's got the tab... he's got my back. Just when i thought i'd need to do it on my own... he was like ... girl i got you.... stop worrying! :)
Amazing.

July 6th Changed My Life

Tonight i was looking through my iPhoto library and i saw some pictures that almost brought my to tears. So let me flesh out my heart for a moment.
July 5th i sat on the porch of my cabin up at Jr. High camp with my best friend. I turned to her and told her that i thought that change was coming. I didn't know what, or what it means but i had a divine sense that something was going to be changing in my life. My heart immediatly thought of a school change, or i was going to move somewhere, or i would find out something. But it was something much bigger. God has on his mind something grander and harder than i ever could have imagined. July 6th i packed up my cabin and travedl back down the mountain, challenged to glory in God even in the rough seasons of my life. But my life was pretty safe at that moment so i dind't exactly know what to do with that. I went home, showered , slept and went out to eat with my fellow camp leaders. I retunred home that night only to receive the worst news of my life. My mom answered the phone and she got really quite. And i knew something was wrong. "Is he alive?" she asked, and the pit of my heart and stomach gave way. I didn't know what happened but i knew that it wasn't good. And in that moment i knew why i was up at camp. I was up there to be prepared for the jounrey ahead of me. One that would radically change my life and the lives of evey member in my family. I now knew why i would need Glory in the power of Christ during the hard times of my life, because the hard times were right upon me. These past 7 months have probably been the hardest yet the greatest months of my life. The Lord took me to hard times and told me: " Sarah, you life is safe right now. You need to learn to love me, and worship me even if times are hard. I will prove myself faithful, you mustn't keep quiet. Tell everyone you know, for in the hardship of your life, my name will receive glory." The story of my dad is one of miracles and a manifestation of God's beautiful, gracious, faithful hand. It's one that turns people toward Christ whether they know it or not.
Here are a few miracles along the way beacause hearing about God's goodness is worship.
- God spared my dad's life.
- God allowed for my dad to leave the hospital for a day to see the man he mentored be baptized
- God moved him into one of the world's best rehabilitation hospitals
- God allowed my Popi to walk Sharon down the isle at her wedding
- God moved my Aunt Joyce toward Christ through his hardship and my Popi's faith
- God healed my dad from his second surgery and healed his mind from the effects of his seizures

God is good all the time. All the time he is good. This journey is still in progress... and it will continue as my dad still is in rehab, and continuing to heal... and who knows what is ahead for our family. I don't know what tomprrow holds. I don't know if my dad will go back to work. I don't know if my Popi will ever be the same Popi as i had... but what i do know, and i pray that i will continue to trust, is that God will do what is best for my family. And in that, whether good or bad, i know that God is present in the moments.... even if it is confusing, or hard, or challenging.
Through it all, God has showed up in a real way. Powerful and mighty. I tell everyone this, but the story of my dad is hard to tell. But i tell everyone i know, because of the hardship of it, and the glory of God in the midst of it all will bring people to worship God... and that's what life is all about. I want people to worship God, and if people need to see my family go through this trial relying upon the grace of God to get through, to worhsip God, then so be it. God is worthy of that.

It finally hit me...

I was talking with a friend this weekend. I told him that i wanted and need to figure out who i was. You know the things that make Sarah...me. I needed to figure out what it is that makes me tick. The things that im passionate about, the things that break my heart, the things that make me laugh and cry, the people i want in my life, the people i don't. The places i want to go, the person i want to be, the things i want to accomplish. You know, just figure out who i desire to be and how im going to get there. Figure out a way to be someone extraordinary.
But extraordinary people know who they are. They know what they want, where they want to go, who they want to go along with, and what they want to do when they get there. I've felt as if all i needed was just figure out who i was before i was really me. You know?
With every fiber of my being i desire to live an extraordinary life, one that points such a dark, dark world toward the radiant light of Jesus Christ's face. I want to love more, care more deeply, give away more freely... i desire to be something so much bigger than i am right now. But my one desire to make something of Christ, was shadowed by my desire to make something of myself.
Until chapel this morning.
I stood there pouring my heart out to God, telling him that He is my all and all. That He makes me whole, that His cloak of righteousness upon my shoulders makes me complete before Him, that his crimson stain washed and continues to wash away the vile parts of my being. That He was mighty to save and all I really need. There i stood convicted for thinking that i could have ever possibly work harder, tried craftier, preservered longer, toward making myself into the women i thought he wanted me to be. For ever thinking that figuring out who i was ever included me looking at myself in the mirror.
Who i am, and all that Christ desires for me to be lies in the reflection of the cross. Through his blood, and his empty tomb am im worth anything. It isn't about who i desire to be, but who God created me to be.
When Christ looks at me he sees me as complete. He sees me washed clean because of the blood of his son covering me. He sees me for who i really am. Though washed clean, still in desperate need of a Savior by the minute. He knows the dark, inner thoughts of my mind, the masked intentions of my heart, the selfish deeds of my hands. He knows that i fall. That i fail to meet up. That im slow to learn but quick to act. That i lack faith, and love, and obedience. He knows that i try. That i desire for more. That all i want to do it honor Him. But he also knows that my first inclination, when things get tough, is to take it all into my hands. There i have control. Even if i regret the outcome, i am complacent with the familiarity of how things turn out when i take over.
Who i was created to be isn't measured by the things of my personality, but rather by the depth of my character. Christ desires that i live in the fullness of what it means to be created in the image of God. I was created to think how God thinks, love the things He loves, and hate the things He hates.
Once again, i'm learning that it's not about me. It's in the moment that i look myself in the mirror and conceive of a plan to be more beautiful, more likable, desirable, intelligible, ... that i loose sight of who God is making me to be. God created me to mirror the image of Christ. To again think like He thinks, see people how he sees them, care about the things He cares about and fight for the things He fights for.
Discovering who i was created to be is a process, as my friend reminded me. I wont have it all figured out, until i stand face to face with God and he he says " Yea, you're a knucklehead, but girl, i died for you. You're exactly who i desired to create when i formed you. Complete. Just as i intended. Covered in my son's very blood. Without blemish. Well done good and faithful."
I'm living my life in light of that from this moment forward.