It finally hit me...

I was talking with a friend this weekend. I told him that i wanted and need to figure out who i was. You know the things that make Sarah...me. I needed to figure out what it is that makes me tick. The things that im passionate about, the things that break my heart, the things that make me laugh and cry, the people i want in my life, the people i don't. The places i want to go, the person i want to be, the things i want to accomplish. You know, just figure out who i desire to be and how im going to get there. Figure out a way to be someone extraordinary.
But extraordinary people know who they are. They know what they want, where they want to go, who they want to go along with, and what they want to do when they get there. I've felt as if all i needed was just figure out who i was before i was really me. You know?
With every fiber of my being i desire to live an extraordinary life, one that points such a dark, dark world toward the radiant light of Jesus Christ's face. I want to love more, care more deeply, give away more freely... i desire to be something so much bigger than i am right now. But my one desire to make something of Christ, was shadowed by my desire to make something of myself.
Until chapel this morning.
I stood there pouring my heart out to God, telling him that He is my all and all. That He makes me whole, that His cloak of righteousness upon my shoulders makes me complete before Him, that his crimson stain washed and continues to wash away the vile parts of my being. That He was mighty to save and all I really need. There i stood convicted for thinking that i could have ever possibly work harder, tried craftier, preservered longer, toward making myself into the women i thought he wanted me to be. For ever thinking that figuring out who i was ever included me looking at myself in the mirror.
Who i am, and all that Christ desires for me to be lies in the reflection of the cross. Through his blood, and his empty tomb am im worth anything. It isn't about who i desire to be, but who God created me to be.
When Christ looks at me he sees me as complete. He sees me washed clean because of the blood of his son covering me. He sees me for who i really am. Though washed clean, still in desperate need of a Savior by the minute. He knows the dark, inner thoughts of my mind, the masked intentions of my heart, the selfish deeds of my hands. He knows that i fall. That i fail to meet up. That im slow to learn but quick to act. That i lack faith, and love, and obedience. He knows that i try. That i desire for more. That all i want to do it honor Him. But he also knows that my first inclination, when things get tough, is to take it all into my hands. There i have control. Even if i regret the outcome, i am complacent with the familiarity of how things turn out when i take over.
Who i was created to be isn't measured by the things of my personality, but rather by the depth of my character. Christ desires that i live in the fullness of what it means to be created in the image of God. I was created to think how God thinks, love the things He loves, and hate the things He hates.
Once again, i'm learning that it's not about me. It's in the moment that i look myself in the mirror and conceive of a plan to be more beautiful, more likable, desirable, intelligible, ... that i loose sight of who God is making me to be. God created me to mirror the image of Christ. To again think like He thinks, see people how he sees them, care about the things He cares about and fight for the things He fights for.
Discovering who i was created to be is a process, as my friend reminded me. I wont have it all figured out, until i stand face to face with God and he he says " Yea, you're a knucklehead, but girl, i died for you. You're exactly who i desired to create when i formed you. Complete. Just as i intended. Covered in my son's very blood. Without blemish. Well done good and faithful."
I'm living my life in light of that from this moment forward.